The Final Quarter
What Do You Want to Spend Yours On?
Today begins the final quarter of the year. Three months containing 92 days, which brings me to thinking about how I will spend mine. Time has always felt like currency to me. There is only so much of it. It differs from money because we cannot earn more of it, and there are no refunds if we decide later that what we spent it on did not give us the quality or results we expected.
I'm going to spend this quarter whether I make decisions about how or simply live each day as it comes. More than a month ago, I sat down and wrote out what I wanted from this quarter. Reviewing those pages now, there were no surprises. I know what I want. The question is if my decisions support it or if this time will just slip away.
Professionally, I want to end the year well. I also want to publish the first edition of The Steward Edit. Each of these will require a significant allocation of time. I also know how wanting something can become completely consuming. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past and reach the end of the year having accomplished what I wanted only to realize I missed living my life and being present in the moments.
Getting stronger has become a priority for me. I have spent the last couple of years making significant changes to my life to support my health, but strength is where I know I need to do more. My mornings currently include a kinder start with the espresso meal in a cup my partner brings me, which is one of my favorite ways to begin the day. It doesn't mean there will be no more of this. It means fewer mornings spent this way, and I will mourn this just a bit, but I hope to learn to embrace another way to start my day.
I am willing to invest some of those mornings in training physically now because I believe it may pay off later. At 56, I would rather give myself a chance of being healthy, active and physically able than keep every morning as it is now. This feels like an investment worth making even if I don't know the return.
There is a great deal I want before this year ends. Thanksgiving is a good example. I will put plenty of work into preparing it because I enjoy preparing dinner for people I love. What I don't want to do is exhaust myself to the point that I'm unable to enjoy and share the day with those I love. Being present is what is important to me.
I want to read three books before the year ends. I value reading, but it is easy to postpone when life gets busy.
Worry can take a lot of time, and it robs me of my energy and peace. Much of the time it isn't even mine to worry about.
Then there are the times I've spent binge watching a season of something. Sometimes that is exactly what I need to restore, and I enjoy every minute of it. Other times, my mind is heavy and I'm checking out. I am avoiding getting up and doing the things I need to. I know the difference. One restores me. The other is avoidance, and I feel more depleted afterward.
For me, it's not about packing as much into a day. Rest needs to be a priority. I function better, and occasionally doing absolutely nothing can be the reset I need. The question I ask myself is am I deciding how I spend my time or simply looking back afterward and accounting for it. Those are two different things.
Beyond the hours, there is the question of what I spend my heart on. I think I am ready for another dog. I don't know when. I only know that for the first time since losing Reese, I can imagine letting another dog into my life and letting joy and love back in. It won't mean leaving Reese behind. Quite the opposite. She is coming with me, always.
She will be with me when I go to the pumpkin patch, through the corn maze, on the tractor ride and walking among the pumpkins, when there is pumpkin custard in the oven at Thanksgiving and when Christmas arrives. She was there for her morning kiss on the forehead and to say goodbye each morning, and there again when I walked through the door, telling me how much she missed my presence. She was there for the long weekend mornings and lots of cuddling. Losing her does not erase her. I can carry her with me and let joy back into my heart. We can make decisions to protect ourselves from what might hurt, but there is a cost to that too.
I am not entering the final quarter with a challenge to accomplish everything before December 31. Some things I want very much may or may not happen. They may not happen on my timeline, but that doesn't mean they won't. What is mine to decide is whether the way I spend these days resembles what matters to me. I don't want what is most demanding to decide how my time gets spent.
When New Year's Eve arrives, I hope I can look back at these three months and know I made my best effort to spend my time on what I want. Some things will have worked out exactly as I hoped. Some won't. I don't need a perfect return. I just want to know I spent it well.